Motherhood Turns Me Off

I sat there staring at her as she sat there staring back with her eyes saying it all. “Aren’t you going to hold me, pick me up, play with me, do and something? I searched within and tried with every bone in my body to budge and excite myself to lift her up, sing her songs and make silly faces. I had no desire, I didn’t know what to do; I instead passed her on to her mother and played with the child who already knew how to walk, talk and potty on her own.

 

tamie

I simply have no desire to have children.

I have no desire to wipe a child’s butt, I enjoy my lack of rest way too much to be even more sleep deprived in the middle of the night by my own crying baby. I don’t enjoy the thought of breast-feeding and I don’t find it appealing to watch my belly grow for nine month. Is something wrong with me? Now I have to admit, there are some childhood scars that need a little bit of healing which I am sure contributes to this wild decision, but adulthood has played much more a major factor in why the thought of having a child is highly unappealing to me.

I work hard, I love being my own company and I simply would rather book a flight before I decide to take care of a kid. I found my independence after I turned twenty-one; I finally found myself and discovered who I am as a woman. I learned to love myself unconditionally and after many years of living to satisfy others I finally learned how to satisfy myself. I’m selfish, my desires are all about where I’m going and how I’m going to get there, and at this point in my life I don’t see my mindset changing any time soon.

The closest thing to preparing for a child that I have ever done is claimed my baby names with my friends. We have created an oath that though we may have children during different time periods we are not allowed to steal each other’s baby names, kind of like not being allowed to steal the other person’s wedding dress!

Now I know the thought of having a baby name sounds bizarre if I don’t even desire to have a baby for me to name. I admit that I do hope my idea of children changes by the time I find myself in a relationship. Can you imagine the “I never plan to give you a child” conversation? Awkward! It’s very rare that I have ever come across a man who doesn’t want the title “daddy” in his Twitter bio. I can already picture every man running in a different direction once he finds out that I have no desire to give him a kid. Will this change? Who knows! Right now all I can say is that I’m having way too much fun enjoying my freedom without having the title “mommy” attached to it.

I don’t want to schedule play dates and I don’t want to stay up all night reading my kid bedtime stories. In the midst of my contempt with having children I wish people would stop forcing their children onto me. I am not going to make silly faces to the infant who is sitting in his stroller giggling at me, when I am in a restaurant please make sure your child does not turn around in the booth and make noises while I am trying to enjoy my meal. Please stop texting me random pictures of your kid as if I asked to see them. When I am walking down the street I am not going to stop to play with your kid because she looked at me and said “tag, you’re it”. Lastly, stop asking me to look at baby clothes, I don’t find the infant section of target adorable or cute.

Everyone except for me of course seems to be highly interested in my biological clock. I’m not even ascending thirty and all I hear is “when are going to marry and start having children?” and my response to the tom-foolery is “when are you going to start living”? Having a child is not going to complete my life, growing up my image of having a family was simply a lovely portrait of my husband and me in our two-floor house with two bedrooms and an office. No the second bedroom is not the “just in case we have a baby” room; it’s for the nights that I require pure solitude and want to disappear in my own home. How can I find such solace if I have a baby to tend to?

That baby will then turn into a loud-mouth talkative toddler, then into a young adolescent facing puberty and hormonal changes that I would have to put up with. Followed by full-blown adolescence and I already know I will not be putting up with the headache of a sixteen year old, and then he or she will enter the young adult phase and that will be the point in my life as a mother where I would critique my motherhood skills and can either say “job well done” or “what the heck did I bring into this earth!”. At this point I think I’d rather stay neutral.

It’s very rare to find women my age who are just as uninterested in parenting just as much as I am. Call me crazy, but maybe one day those baby names will actually be put to use or I’ll just go through life childless. What I will say is no one will ever have to worry about me owning a cat. I’d give birth before I ever allow myself to allow such a feline in my home. So no, I won’t turn into the childless cat lady that’s for sure. What’s not for sure is if I will ever have room in my life to share it with raising a child. I am highly content with that idea (for now) and although some might consider it selfish, it is my life I have the right to be selfish with it.

Until that shocking day comes where I see motherhood in my future, I’m going to continue living for me. I will continue to enjoy my sleepless nights that aren’t even attributed to having a baby; I will enjoy spending all my money on myself and not having to buy diapers. With my god-children and nieces and nephews I have a fair share of children in my life for me to play with during the moments I want to live like a kid and have childlike fun.

Most importantly for now, I am going to continue to be Minaa B without having the need to input “mommy” onto my bucket-list in order to live a fully sustained life.

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