Depression, Body Weight and Cotton Candy Ice Cream

It’s quite obvious to the eye that society has a problem with the idea of weight regardless of size, especially when it comes to women. You’re either too fat or you’re way too skinny. And if you’re in between something is still wrong with you. Your biceps probably aren’t big enough and a two pack just won’t do because a six-pack is much sexier.

I despise people who act like going to the gym is like going on vacation, I just don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I too go to the gym when I want to squeeze in about three workouts per month (literally) but to say that working out is my lifestyle that would be a joke. I hate the idea of getting myself all worked up and sweaty just to reach my goal of dropping five pounds. I desire to be fit yes, I do, but sadly my lungs don’t even have the ability to go half a mile without me needing my asthma pump.

But anyway, I do however believe that if I ever desire to shred those five pounds of tummy fat at least I’ve moved from starving myself to lose weight to actually just working out and eating healthier meals. There goes transformation.

A few days ago I made a visit to my primary doctor for a random physical. I figured it was time for a routine checkup so why not. I met with the nurse who took me through the basics, my allergies, my medications any complaints and the usual. The next step was to check my weight which was always exciting to me since my weight is always in conjunction with my stress and mental health. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see how much I probably gained since I like to eat to deal with my emotions.

5’9 and 152 pounds she said. 152? I lost six pounds from the last time I checked the scale and at that exact moment I decided I would treat myself to some cold stone right after my visit, cotton candy ice cream with caramel sauce and gummy bears to be precise… And in a large bowl with a waffle cup, can’t forget the waffle cup. As I sat there dwelling in fantasy land about my plans to be a glutton the doctor came in next to see me. As soon as he opened his mouth and began to ask me questions I felt in my stomach that his persistent questioning was not going to have me leaving in a happy place.

And of course I was I right. The primary reason for my visit was for him to treat me sleep disorder, when I say treat I mean write me a referral so I can be on my merry way and enjoy my ice cream. But no, he just wouldn’t stop talking. He went from asking me questions to giving me his opinions and when that was over he decided to label me. “The reason you are suffering from insomnia is because you are depressed” He didn’t stop there, “from the charts here I see you’re 5’9 (and a half) and 152 pounds which means you’re a little overweight” Whoa, back up… WHAT?!

The image of gummy bears dancing in my head with caramel swirls around them while I was floating atop a cotton candy cloud with a yellow brick road made of waffle cones was immediately ripped out of my imagination. How dare he rob me of such joy, I thought to myself? Depressed and overweight! Did this guy really just tell me I’m overweight and use the word depressed in the same sentence.

Some of you are probably thinking why it matters what he says. Well it matters to me because I used to be the girl who weighed 125 pounds and desired to lose weight through starvation. I was the girl who used to look in the mirror and see someone who was fat. I used to be the girl who suffered from severe depression because she hated everything about her body (and more). And now today I am that girl who loves every part of her frame, BUT the enemy knows my weak spots, he knows how to trigger me and he knows the very things I’m sensitive too. What he also knows is that there is power in the tongue, and when words pierce the soul it can awaken dormant thoughts.

From the moment the words came out of his mouth I rebuked him and everything that came along with him, he was lucky I didn’t have access to Holy Water. The old me would’ve sat in that chair and believed every word he tried to speak over my life. Overweight? Really! He followed up by saying “I don’t see anything problematic so I don’t feel that you need to lose weight, the extra pounds could just be muscle so no need to worry“. Sorry doctor but once you put words out into the atmosphere you can’t get them back.

There is power in the tongue to bring death and to bring life. There are going to be times where people will try to speak death over your life by planting seeds of falsehood. If you allow those words to prevail they will turn into seeds of destruction and you too will start to believe the very thing that was spoken over you.

I spent most of my life believing that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or slim enough. The roots of these thoughts were all planted by opinions of outsiders in which I allowed them to unpack their bags and make room to release their venom into my thoughts. I was robbed of my happiness and spent years of my life in shame, hurt and self-hatred because I was never wise enough to evict these people and their words from my life.

Now here I have this doctor. This man who I trusted for years, now made me feel as if I needed to take my services elsewhere because of his inability to give me sensitive information in a more compassionate way. The problem here is not just my doctor’s fault, It’s society in general. The culture has shaped even the mental health standards of what is considered healthy and what is not. I don’t give two craps about how much I should weigh in conjunction with my height, when working in a field where you have the power to “label” someone, you need to be careful of your choice words.

Mental health is a serious thing and although my eating habits never developed into an eating disorder it could have, and unfortunately there are many women in this world who are battling every day to enjoy something as simple as ice cream because they are too afraid of the results it will take on their body. Understand that you will never meet the standards that society has for you, and if you weren’t aware you don’t need to. The mindset of the world is too small to fathom the thought of you loving yourself for who you are flaws and all. Society will try to label you andpeople will use the power of their tongues to speak their opinions over you. “Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” Ephesians 4:29. If people aren’t speaking life into, their killing you, do not let corrupt communication alter your perception of who you are and what you think about yourself.

From the girl who was too overweight for ice cream

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