Marriage, the “I do” vs. the “I don’t”
Lately I’ve come across a few blogs focusing on the topic of marriage, love and all that good stuff. I’m going to assume that most of these posts are written by married people… and that’s what scares me.
The perceptions of marriage coming from married people has me quite perplexed. The thought of marrying someone to make that person happy or because that person makes you feel whole and complete gives me reason enough to stay single. The idea that you are fulfilling the wishes and desires of someone else rather than yourself also gives me reason enough to stay single.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that once you say “I do” it is no longer about the “I” but it’s about “us,” hence why I’m still single because right now I’m only focused on me, myself and I. Now I also understand how selfless you have to be when you decide to devote spending the rest of your life with someone else, but to think that I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone who basically felt like he were doing me a favor because he wanted me to feel complete or in return he needed me to make him feel complete is reason enough for me to stay single.
What ever happened to people being content and complacent with their lives? There are so many people in this world who can’t fathom the thought of being called to a life of singleness that they end up going on a prowl looking for love because there’s no way they will live a life without that fairy tale wedding included in the package. The real term for that is settling.
Marriage in my book should be an addition to your life. Just like your spouse should be an addition to your life. In my book we are getting married because we love each other just as much we love ourselves individually and that love has merged. I don’t need, I want you.
I don’t need you to make me feel like I’m a good enough woman, I already know that’s what I am. I don’t need you to compliment my life; I can do that on my own. I don’t need you to make me happy, I can make that happen without you. I don’t need you to make me feel complete; I already was before I met you.
But yet I hear the romance stories filled with I need him or her, he makes me feel complete, she needs me in her life. The problem is this doesn’t start with marriage, it starts with dating.
So many young people nowadays are getting into relationships just to fill some void. People feel like they need to date instead of allowing it to be a choice, when people date out of a sense of need or incompleteness every relationship you enter will simply be an effort to supply that lack or to bring a sense of completeness. Whatever deficiencies you build your relationship on, you will ultimately be looking to the other person to supply what you do not have.
Most people enter relationships with some sense of incompleteness or inadequacy, which in my book is a recipe for disaster. How can you expect to have a successful relationship that is being maintained by a 50/50 balance? How do you expect one another to give 100 percent when both people are focusing on what they do not have which they hope to find in the other person. This right here is what you call an insecure relationship, a set-up, a fall back and insanity.
What makes it more insane is that people who date with the aforementioned qualities are the same people who end up getting married and grow bitter and resentful towards one another.
Surprise, surprise… You should’ve known better.
I don’t want my future husbands’ proposal to be filled with all the reasons why I should want him in my life. It should be filled with what we can do together and the love we have for one another. I don’t need to hear a man telling me how horrible his life would be if he didn’t have me there to patch up his insecurities, and I definitely don’t need a man to think it’s a part of his life’s calling to save me and put a ring on my finger to show me what real love looks like.
My goal isn’t just to have a wedding, it’s to build a household and a strong marriage that isn’t fueled by insecurity and “I need you’s.” Our goals, dreams, visions and objectives should interlock, mesh together, we both are moving in the same direction and ultimately want the same things. That doesn’t start in the season of marriage but that is sought out from the season of dating and continues on after marriage.
If marriage looks like me lowering my standards to make you happy, I’d rather stay single. If marriage looks like me having to live a life focusing on how I can make your self-esteem better, I’d rather stay single. If marriage looks like you playing superman and sweeping me off my feet because you feel sorry for me, I’d rather stay single. If marriage looks like insecurity, doubt, bitterness and un-forgivingness, I’d rather stay single. If marriage looks like you only love me because of my beauty, I’d rather stay single.
And if marriage looks like all the reasons why you can benefit from having me in your life rather than how we both gain from each other, I’d rather stay single.