Always the Bridesmaid, and Never the Bride: Singleness

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As a twenty-something college student living in the concrete jungle (NYC) I continuously stumble upon young single women who are sitting around awaiting their fairy tale king to come and sweep them off of their feet and supply them with all the rubies of the world. Okay, I am being very theatrical here, but in essence, I often seem to hear of young single women who are growing tired and hungry and are ready to satisfy their burning desire of being in a relationship.

I think almost too, too, too many times these women have lost sight of what the season of singleness should be about and end up settling for the first guy who winks their way. I believe your years of singleness are crucial not only for yourself but for the work of God and the calling he has placed on your life (and then the church said… AMEN) but far too often I see women, whether in their twenty’s, thirty’s or forties who lose sight of their path and stray down a distant road and plummet to the life of “settling”.

Rather than groaning and being displeased about your singleness, here are 5 things every single female should learn in life.

1. Learn how to love yourself

Would you date yourself? If a man stood before you with the same amount of self-love you have for yourself, with the same level of self-esteem and the same amount of confidence that you carry would you be attracted to him? If he showed himself no compassion and consistently depended on the praises of others to remind him of his value and his worth, would you be attracted to him? If he consistently compared himself to the success, wealth, achievements and looks of others, would you still be attracted to him? Self-reflect and think to yourself, is that you…

When did you last show yourself some grace? When was the last time that you reminded yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you are a marvelous creation? When did you last walk the streets with poise, with your head held high and an attitude bearing pure elegance that your audience can’t help but to notice your nobility? An incorruptible self-esteem of a woman, a queen who understands her power, authority and her abilities…. Do you possess this?

The best part of having this quality is simply this, you know your worth, and when you know what you’re worth, you will allow no one to give you less than what you deserve.

2. Stop dropping your standards
This should be the most important of all, well maybe after number one, or five. Okay, they’re all important but this here is important. The first thing I want to address is how important it is to have standards. After reading my first point on learning how to love yourself, don’t you realize that a queen does not let just anybody in her palace? Not only is it important for you to decide who you let it, but once they have been let into your royal residence it is your duty to inform them of what is allowed and what isn’t. In other words, are you being clear about guidelines for behaviors such as not having sex before marriage or, maybe other behaviors or characteristics that fit your moral or Godly standards? The last thing you need to do is compromise your standards just to claim the title “girlfriend”.

Okay, so now I’m going to take it to the streets and if you know me personally, I’m sure you can already hear the tone of voice I’m going for…. but ladies! Please stop giving these men the satisfaction of enjoying your vestibule leading from the uterus to the vulva lined with lubrication, just because he spent $12 on a glass of wine and fed you. I am quite sure that you know how to feed yourself. You don’t NEED a man, you want one (I hope that’s the case) so stop acting like respect is a material pursuit that can only be gained by a few minutes of pleasure resulting in someone’s (always the woman) feelings getting hurt. Although this is my point, and it has been made very clear I hope, my second point (for those involved in situations and not relationships) is if your sticking around because of good penis, then it sounds like you need to start RAISING you standards…. (Drops mic)

3. Learn how to be a wife

I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, why should I learn how to fulfill wifely duties if I’m trying to learn how to be single? Well, this is probably the most appropriate time to learn how to be a wife. Some people will probably feel the engagement phase is a more appropriate time to understand this but if you’re single and quick to throw around the term “wedding”, you should understand and be prepared for what comes along with it.

Are you learning how to be a virtuous woman? Practicing kindness & patience, are you clothed in strength & honor? Do you understand what it really means to submit to your husband? Do you understand how to allow a man to lead your household while you watch over it? Do you understand the value and work it takes to be a wife? Let alone, do you understand what it means to enter into a new covenant and respect the law of marriage? Understanding that when the road gets rough, you can’t just simply call it quits because you’ve grown dissatisfied with your spouse. A marriage is a full-time job, are you looking to make that “till death do us part” commitment or do you want to make a mockery of this sanctioned union by thinking divorce is the only option when your cradle stops rocking. I hear many women talking about how they can’t wait to get married but don’t even know what it takes to be a wife. Every woman needs to understand the importance, the value and the responsibility before becoming one.

4. Learn how to date
My righteous indignation regarding this issue stems from number 3. A woman obviously needs to learn this before she learns number four but who cares about the chronological order!!

I hear women consistently talking about how their ready to get married but don’t even know how to date. When you meet a guy are you basing your future with him based off of material possessions or are you seeking to build a future with someone who you relate to on a spiritual and intellectual level, the level of purpose, motivation, interest, dreams and personality? The physical dimension is important, but it’s the least important. Have you also taken into the account the benefits as well as the dangers before you begin dating this person?

Do yourself a favor and stop thinking that you have the ability to change someone. There is a different between being an influence to someone and changing them. You can impact someone’s life, but again, you cannot change them. Change is sought from within; people can only change themselves, which is not your duty. If there are red flags on the first date, what are you sticking around for? Unless you want to use this guy as a client for a potential case study, you need to move along in your life before the right man passes you by while you’re busy trying to play Dr. Phil.

5. Learn how to love your own company
Too many times I hear stories of women missing out on life because they were too scared to do something alone. I mean come on, we don’t even like going to the restroom by ourselves, what the heck is up with that! I think one of the greatest things a woman can do for herself is to treat herself, and I’m not talking about buying yourself the next best materialistic item on the racks either.

I’m going in for the kill here… are you ready…

I’m talking about taking yourself out to dinner and enjoying your own company! Are you that much of a boring uninteresting being that you can’t even fathom the thought of dining by yourself? If that’s scary, it might be too much for me to tell you to take yourself on vacation wouldn’t it? Have you ever even gotten on a plane before? Seriously, ask yourself this question, check your calendar so you can see what century your living in and then explain to yourself why you have been missing out on life. No wonder you’re still single, you’re boring! The more you sit around waiting to live life with someone the more life is going to be passing you by. I believe a woman should be so content with who she is she makes it a duty to wine and dine herself. You should never wait on a man to do what you can do for yourself. Also, how do you expect to find a man while you’re out on a date with fifteen of your girlfriends? Are you giving yourself room to be noticed? Step out of the box of fear and live a little, what’s the worse that could happen?

Bonus Points

Okay, I couldn’t help myself. I felt the need to elaborate and add-on another point, just take it in and stop counting…

Thinking like a lady, but acting like a manDon’t learn this
So I had to follow-up on my second point. Now I understand the feminist movement is growing rapidly in this decade and women are fighting to remove the double standard stigma and many other issues involving equal rights and so forth. I can jive with the movement, but for the percentage of women out there who want to live in a society where a woman shouldn’t be called a hoe for giving it up on the first night or for having multiple sexual partners, or even for having a player mentality. Have fun destroying your dignity while you wait for any man to praise you for fulfilling any of the above duties.

Now let me make it clear, this should not be acceptable for men or women! It’s not okay for men to cheat, hit it then quit it or stack us women up like we’re trophies. If we are preaching and telling men how this is unacceptable, what makes you think conforming to such a lifestyle should be acceptable for a woman either? The only way this cycle will break is if women stopped accepting the position of “side-chick” in a man’s life. Overall, the point I’m making here is if you feel inclined to have sex the first night, or to rack up partners as you go along for the fun of it and your motto is “if a man can do it so can I”? Be prepared for the consequences that await those actions.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT believe a female should be called a hoe for giving it up on the first night. I do however, think it’s unwise.

Being Unequally YokedDon’t do this either

This also follows up with my second point. Now obviously this is a Christian centered point, that believers should not be dating unbelievers. If you know someone, who knows someone, that knows someone, where a believer married an unbeliever and their marriage is just super, well that’s great for them. I’m also glad to hear that God has given you his all-knowing power and keen vision since you have the ability to see every single aspect of that couples life. You don’t, you only see what is on the outside for the world to see.

This is the problem I hear too often in the Christian dating community, stop thinking that your life is someone else’s life, or that your situation will end up like someone else’s situation. I understand it gives you hope, but the truth is, the word is the word, you cannot twist it to appeal more towards your desires. Now I can go on and on and on about this point but why should I have to when it is clearly written in the word that you say you abide by.

And There you have it…. This is just the beginning.

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8 thoughts on “Always the Bridesmaid, and Never the Bride: Singleness

  1. I’m not a woman (nor do I desire to be), but I read your blog with rapt attention. The writing style, the matter-of-factedness, they all just hit the right notes for me.
    I’ll be recommending all my lady friends to read this. Well done

  2. Pingback: The Battlefield of the Mind | Minaa B.

  3. Pingback: Selfish 20′s | Minaa B.

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